The slow crawl of people making my life easier

Well, it’s officially been two months since my last post (which was more of a non-post, really). I’ve generally tried to at least not have vacant months, but I managed to skip June altogether. However, I confess that of all the blog material I read, people blogging about why they don’t blog or how they want to blog more ranks within a few slots of the bottom of my list entitled, "Things I’m glad I spent my time reading online." No offense intended to anyone who does that unless, of course, me offending you causes you to do that less. Anyway, I’ve done it. And now I’m not doing it, but instead writing about other people doing it. Bored yet? I am.

I might soon post with some more personal updates about what’s up with our fascinating family, but right now I need to address something far more consequential: advancements (or lack thereof) in consumer product convenience technology. By this I mean: Did it really escape us for decades that you could use a flip cap on a toothpaste tube? Was the twist-off bottle cap really a revelation that eluded the beverage industry until the 1980’s? The condiment squirt bottle — were we not smart enough to figure this one out in the 1970’s? We aren’t talking complicated circuitry here – these are a matter of simple mechanics. Every time I see one of these little developments come down the line, my first question is, "Someone just figured that out?" Yeah, I’m that guy.

My current beef is with the folks at Dr. Pepper. I am baffled how people who produce such a fine sipping soda can’t manage to put together their cute "fridge pack" in an efficient manner. When I punch out the little perforated hatch, I expect to be able to then neatly place the "fridge pack" in my fridge, where it will store and dispense cold cans of Dr. Pepper. Instead, I usually get this:

Dp_busted_4   Dp_busted_2_3

And if you don’t think that scene isn’t followed by much cursing from me, you think too much of me. I am genetically predisposed to become unreasonably agitated with inanimate objects and then speak to them as though they are capable of being shamed and intimidated by my rage. Among many other admirable qualities, I got this from my father, and my not-yet-five-year-old son is already demonstrating quite a knack for it himself. We’re very proud.

Anyway, back to the cans. It’s not like this code hasn’t been cracked. Take, for example, the folks over at the Coca Cola Co. When I punch one of their hatches, even if I’m not overly cautious, I get this:


Not only is this packaging superior in its durability, but the end that remains after the removal of the hatch is tall enough that all 12 cans can be stored this way. Dr. Pepper also fails in this regard since, even if you manage to perform the delicate surgery required to successfully extract the hatch, you’re left with a front end that only serves to prevent an avalanche of 11 or fewer cans. It’s a crime, really. In fact, here’s a look at the current state of my refrigerator:


Yes, that is duct tape. On a Dr. Pepper package. Despite Aiden’s accurate contention that "Dad, duct tape is always awesome," I shouldn’t have to test that on my Dr. Pepper fridge pack. I mean, aren’t the daily threats to my security and the Texas heat enough? Must I also suffer this forever?

7 thoughts on “The slow crawl of people making my life easier

  1. Thad, I do not envy you and your suffering. Great pic in your header, by the way!
    Was that you who popped into my blog the other day to say hello?
    I’m glad to hear that the worst crisis in your life that’s apparent to us is the poor engineering of a fridge pack, as tragic as that may be.
    Blessings to you and your family, my good friend.

  2. yes! he’s back.
    as one of thad’s biggest fans, i contend that even blogging about not blogging could’ve been a brilliant, hilarious endeavor for a wordsmith such as hisownself. But i’ll take what i can get. my contribution to the “they just figured that out?” category:
    wheels on luggage. I mean, seriously. Wheels. On luggage.

  3. Rolling luggage, yes. Frankly, I can’t think of a single rational defense of families with children who traveled by plane prior to the wheeled suitcase. Since having kids, I have nearly perished at least six times in my moments of pack-mulery as we’ve traveled through airports – even with many of our contraptions rolling.

  4. One of the best tirades I’ve ever read from your much-more-intellectual-than-your-father brain…
    by the way, I am grateful to know that I’ve made at least some sort of contribution to your heritage, however dubious it may be.
    And, if you think WE’RE bad, you should have known Eugene Oscar Norvell!!!

  5. The “genetically predisposed…at inanimate objects” line had my laughing out loud. I too have inherited that trait. Its a blessing and a curse. Better inanimate objects than employees or customers.

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