[A little reader feedback from this post.]
From: Peterson, Preston firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: What’s ur prob queer?
Dear Mr. "I think I’m so much better than Lance" –
Who do you think u r, anyway? You think u can say mean things about the undisputed greatest cancer survivur to ever live like that. Lance has more courage in his left nut than you have in your whole, scrawny little body. Have you ever even been on a bike? Well, I have and I can tell you it’s not so easy to ride up steep hills as you seam to think, genus. It’s pretty freaking hard. One time I wrode up my street three times in one day because my friend Austin (who is named after the awesum town where Lance the Great lives) kept calling me to come over but when I would go over his dad would answer the door and scream at me ("I ALREDY TOLD YOU AUSTIN ISN’T HERE SO STOP RINGING THE DAM DOORBELL AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FAT LITTLE TURD!!!") for waking him up from his nap (he works nights at the Speedy Stop) so I’d hav eto ride back home until Austin called me again. Finally I told him to meet me outside so his dad wuldn’t get so pissed at me. Then we rode bikes in the woods and found a dirty magazine out there. Don’t tell Austin’s dad, okay? Austin says he’ll just take it away from us and put it on the top shelf of his closet. Riding bikes is not a joke, but not that you’d know anything about that. Your probably fat and lazy, which is why your so jealus of Lance. Lance wins the tour every year by wriding up and down the Everest Mountains faster than all those other drug using French weenies trying to wreck him so he won’t win, which is much harder than riding up my hill, which is also very hard, especialy when you have to ride it three times in one day while thinking about that dirty magazine you found.
Lance is my hero and he’s a hearo to lots of other people too so you should be more careful what you say. Do you have any idea how many people’s lifes he’s saved by beating cancer and winning the Tour de France so many times? Have you even seen the Nike commercials or are you so lazy and busy doing things like writing hate posts to watch TV? Probably, idiot. I bet you don’t even have a LIVESTRONG band, do you? Probably to lazy to get one or too cheap to buy one. There only a dollar you know. And everytime you buy one a cancer survivor gets another chance at life, you stupid lazy idoit! I have eight, but only because I lost one at the mall and Austin’s dad ripped one off my arm the thrid time I woke him up that day.
Preston "LIVESTRONG" Peterson
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From: Norvell, Thad
To: Peterson, Preston email@example.com
Subject: Re: What’s ur prob queer?
Thank you for your well-worded and poignant response to my recent musings on everyone’s All American, Lance Armstrong. I’m not sure how a link to my blog got posted on the Pokemon webring, but I’m glad you found me. I normally don’t respond to hate mail, but you’ve been so vulnerable in sharing about your personal life that I felt I owed you a few thoughts and clarifications.
First, while I may indeed be an idiot, I am not jealous of Lance. I am, however, jealous of you and Austin. I used to love riding my blue and yellow Huffy (with mag wheels) through the woods, and my friends and I also once found a dirty magazine. A little tip: get a big Ziplock bag for it, and then bury it under some leaves and stuff in the woods. This will protect it both from the elements and Austin’s dad, who is obviously a grouchy perv.
Second, I am little and scrawny, but I’m not sure that clarification is necessary. Your position on my size seems to shift a bit through the narrative of your email. Either way, I’m not small because I ride my bike a lot; I just have a high metabolism. I’m sure I couldn’t keep up with Lance on a bike, or with you and Austin (especially in the Everest Mountains or on your hill). And, if I’m honest, I am a little lazy, but not so lazy that I’ve missed the Nike commercials. I have to admit, they’re pretty compelling, especially when shown at every single commercial break. And leaving out the part about all of Lance’s pharmaceutical habits certainly helps with that [AWW SNAP! NO YOU DI-IN’T!!].
Finally, Lance does not, in fact, have "more courage in his left nut" than me. Turns out, they had to snip that bad boy off when he got the cancer. Listen, I actually feel bad for the guy about that, so let’s not go bandying his excised marbles about the internet willy nilly. Sheryl Crow seems to be okay with his current configuration, so whatever. I’m not sure how Kristin — you know, the mother of his three children who he ditched to roll with rock starlets and supermodels — feels about all of that. But hey, he can ride a bike fast and a bunch of high priced doctors and drugs extracted all the cancer cells from his body, so his various personal indiscretions and overt narcissism are no reason to refrain from bowing down at his ten-speed throne.
Live strong, Preston, live strong.
Yours in yellow,