Save the Carbs

Many of you have heard me bemoan the fact that no existing political party or position accurately reflects the particular diversity of my ideologies and agendas. I can’t bring myself to cheer for the Republicans, Democrats, Greens, or whatever they’re calling the party-formerly-run-by-Perot-now-run-by-Perot-formerly-run-by-Perot these days. I’d all but given up hope of ever finding a home on the political landscape.

Until now.

procarblogo_copyTonight I decided to form a new party, which I’m calling the PC party. That’s Pro-Carb (but the double entendre works nicely). If you’re anything like me, you daily find yourself awash in the cancerous growth of anti-carbohydrate sentiment. For all the talk about tolerance in our melting pot of a country, the poor carb has no place to hide. No carb is safe. Not bread carb. Not Coke carb. Not even beer carb. Frankly folks, in the USofA, it’s open season on carbs.

This is travesty and tragedy and trickery. The carb is not evil. The carb has never done anything but just be itself, and the freedom to be one’s self is what America is about, right? It’s put the “d” in delicious in the aforementioned products and so many more. It’s been whatever we wanted it to be – simple, complex, fibrous, starchy, high glycemic, low glycemic. Talk about being flexible and accommodating. The carb has given us energy, fueled our cells, and fed our brains.

In fact, here’s a dirty little secret Dr. Atkins and his storm troopers won’t tell you – carbohydrates are the main source of blood glucose, which is the only source of energy for the brain and red blood cells.

Is the light coming on yet? No carbs. No energy. No brain power. There’s a subversive revolution underway, and the carb conspirators won’t rest until they breed a new generation of lazy people who think they’re getting skinnier but who are really just getting stupider. People with neither the intelligence nor the inclination to resist the ascension of the Atkins Army to total totalitarian tyranny. It’s terrible.

We must rise up. We must resist. Listen up, you haters of carbs – we will not go quietly. We, the founding members of the PC party, will fight. We will prevail. The world will be restored to its carb-friendly beginnings, and we will all be bubbling with energy and brilliance. And you will be banished to a dingy basement in rural Iowa where you’ll be fed a steady diet of bread and carb-loaded water.

You can have my carbs when you pry them from my cold, fat, healthy fingers.

7 thoughts on “Save the Carbs

  1. It’s almost 4 a.m. and your baby brother and I are sitting in the living room watching TV, eating tortilla chips and drinking coke. The only thing missing is you and your fat healthy fingers.

  2. What’s the deal with the upside-down, backwards logo? It must be satanic because anything turned upside-down and backwards is satanic… at least that’s what I was taught growing up. You might as well put goat horns on it and make it black.

  3. If it were the Apollo, then by now you would have been hit in the head with an empty 40 ounce malt liquor bottle.

  4. Thad, I believe this to be your finest ever piece of writing. Lucid and straightforward, yet incisive and persuasive. All major party candidates would be proud. They’d be confused by the clarity of your arguments, but they’d be proud.
    I’m with Bookie- why the kooky logo? It looks like it says “PVC”.

  5. Hey, I wish I had time to try and match or compete with your awesome writing, but I’m sort of in the middle of “teaching” and don’t have time. Anyway, YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK. OUTSTANDING WRITING…that is from a high school English teacher and you know we know EVERYTHING. (I hope you really sense the sarcasm).

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