Am I a grown up?I

Am I a grown up?

  • I don’t care where the Dow opened today or where it will close.
  • I don’t care what Martha Stewart has to say to Barbara Walters.
  • I don’t care whether Ben and J-Lo get married, go to a Red Sox game, or if either of them ever do another movie.
  • I don’t care about Rosie’s lawsuit or her sexual orientation.
  • I don’t like vegetables.
  • I can’t go to bed before midnight.
  • I can still sleep until noon when allowed.
  • I don’t like coffee.
  • I rarely watch the news. If someone asks a question that begins with, “Did you see in the paper…?” the answer is no.
  • I’ve never seen more than three consecutive seconds of The Bachelor.
  • I cried when my dog got the death penalty.
  • I don’t like fancy meals. A sure sign of this is mashed potatoes that have been run through an icing press. Once I see that, I’m out.
  • I don’t want to get rich, own a Lexus, or retire in Florida.
  • I don’t want to go to Paris (nothing personal, Julius).
  • If I ever own a home, I’ll consider it a necessary evil. Someone will have to teach me about mortgages and closings and all of that nonsense.
  • I don’t care that I’m not living up to the potential my high school teachers who thought I’d be a big lawyer or politician saw in me. I’m a good writer, and I’m living by a Different Agenda.
  • I hate wearing a tie. I’m supposed to wear one to work every day, and on the days I do conform, my top button is usually undone and the tie loosened before I get to the office. It’s a two minute walk from home to the office.
  • I don’t like going to “the office.” I find the whole desk routine to be smothering and stifling and boring.
  • I hate going to the doctor, mostly because I always suspect a needle will appear at some point. I hate needles. No, really, I hate them. Okay, look, I’m scared of needles.
  • Will, Britt, and I still like to say words like “butt” and “sucks” in front of Mom just for the reaction.
  • One of my favorite things to do is sit up until 3am playing video games with my brothers at Mom and Dad’s house. Then Britt falls asleep and we mess with him…and then….
  • My favorite days of the year as a kid—Christmas and Thanksgiving—are still usually my favorite days of the year.
  • I like candy and cereal that’s not good for me.
  • I like snow.
  • I’ve been driving real cars for thirteen years, and I still think I want a go-cart.
We are not men.