For all those concerned with the Norvell vs. rk Battle Royale from a few posts ago, I thought I’d drop you a line from the friendly confines of rk’s office. I’m on his computer. Last night I slept in his bed (not with him). I’m eating his food and using his bathroom. I haven’t killed him and taken his home as plunder. It’s just a friendly family visit. Our wives are off trying to put babies down for naps. He’s on the phone behind me brokering some big money music deal. Rock stars…

Anyway, it’s peace on earth and all that.

In the “knowing is half the battle” category:

It is against FedEx policy to ship body parts, said Howard Clabo, a spokesman for the Memphis-based company.

I knew I was right about not watching the news. Tonight was one of those rare occasions when we did watch the news — the local news at that. (Well, I watched and Amy fell asleep by 11:15.) So here’s what being a grown up taught me tonight:

• Here in the area, elderly folks should watch out for people pretending to be nice but looking to rip you off. We bring you this warning because several people have reported two guys going door-to-door offering to wash cars for free. In one case they were wearing work clothes, and another time they had on Santa hats. They haven’t ripped anyone off yet, but police say you should beware (and yeah, the anchor really said “ripped off.”) Translation: It don’t pay to be nice. Two guys have, by all accounts, gone around washing old people’s cars for free, and tonight they were described in the opening segment of the local news as grifters. Nice.

• An Ohio man (and this is definitely local news since Ohio is only about 400 miles from here) found out that you shouldn’t change clothes while you drive a semi down the interstate. Reportedly, a guy put his rig on cruise control while he changed clothes, missed a curve, and rolled the rig. A woman who stopped to help said she found him stark naked, trapped inside the cab. Translation: Perverts have bad luck too. I’m just glad I never rolled my car while refilling Mountain Dew bottles on the 8 hour drive between College Station and Crane.

Am I a grown up?

• I don’t care where the Dow opened today or where it will close.
  
• I don’t care what Martha Stewart has to say to Barbara Walters.
  
• I don’t care whether Ben and J-Lo get married, go to a Red Sox game, or if either of them ever do another movie.
  
• I don’t care about Rosie’s lawsuit or her sexual orientation.
  
• I don’t like vegetables.
  
• I can’t go to bed before midnight.
  
• I can still sleep until noon when allowed.
  
• I don’t like coffee.
  
• I rarely watch the news. If someone asks a question that begins with, “Did you see in the paper…?” the answer is no.
  
• I’ve never seen more than three consecutive seconds of The Bachelor.
  
• I cried when my dog got the death penalty.
  
• I don’t like fancy meals. A sure sign of this is mashed potatoes that have been run through an icing press. Once I see that, I’m out.
  
• I don’t want to get rich, own a Lexus, or retire in Florida.
  
• I don’t want to go to Paris (nothing personal, Julius).
  
• If I ever own a home, I’ll consider it a necessary evil. Someone will have to teach me about mortgages and closings and all of that nonsense.
  
• I don’t care that I’m not living up to the potential my high school teachers who thought I’d be a big lawyer or politician saw in me. I’m a good writer, and I’m living by a Different Agenda.
  
• I hate wearing a tie. I’m supposed to wear one to work every day, and on the days I do conform, my top button is usually undone and the tie loosened before I get to the office. It’s a two minute walk from home to the office.
  
• I don’t like going to “the office.” I find the whole desk routine to be smothering and stifling and boring.
  
• I hate going to the doctor, mostly because I always suspect a needle will appear at some point. I hate needles. No, really, I hate them. Okay, look, I’m scared of needles.
  
• Will, Britt, and I still like to say words like “butt” and “sucks” in front of Mom just for the reaction.
  
• One of my favorite things to do is sit up until 3am playing video games with my brothers at Mom and Dad’s house. Then Britt falls asleep and we mess with him…and then….
  
• My favorite days of the year as a kid—Christmas and Thanksgiving—are still usually my favorite days of the year.
  
• I like candy and cereal that’s not good for me.
  
• I like snow.
  
• I’ve been driving real cars for thirteen years, and I still think I want a go-cart.

A couple of random recommendations:

• I don’t rubber stamp many TV programs like this, but I’ve now seen several episodes of VH1’s I Love the 80’s (and 70’s) series, and they tend to hold my attention. Some of the regular commentators are silly (Luis Guzmán is greatness), but they do an admirable job of digging through a bygone era one year at a time.
  
  
• Go here and watch the first six commercials. It helps if you’re a sports fan and/or a Tracy Morgan fan, but Reg should make you laugh anyway. There aren’t many commercials that are really funny anymore, but these are exceptional.

Okay, we’re moving on to our third comment service. Squawkbox decided we had too much to say to keep offering us free service. Apparently their game is to advertise the service as free, then shut you down and hold your comments ransom if you actually make regular use of their service. Bye, Squawkbox. Hello, Haloscan.

…in college football news, Miami is still Miami.