The MTV Video Music Awards. Wow. I spent a few minutes with these cats tonight, partly out of curiosity and partly because the word on the street was Johnny Cash was going to show up. His video for Hurt was nominated for something like seven awards, even though it’s only been played on MTV six times (really, who can blame them — it’s hard to fit in silly little things like groundbreaking music videos when you’ve got thirty hours of quality programming like TRL, Cribs, The Real World MCMXIII, Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, and about seventy-two Trojan commercials to squeeze in each day). Anyway, I didn’t make it long enough to see whether or not the Man in Black came around. I’ll wait to hear somewhere else and try to catch him on one of the 733 replays of the show if he’s there.

I did manage to accumulate these high- and low-lights in the few minutes I did watch…

+ Rappers want to be pimps. Pimps want to be rappers. 50 Cent’s big hit right now, P.I.M.P. is a good example of this phenomenon: I drive a Cadillac, wear a perm ’cause I’m a G, and I’m a mother——‘ P-I-M-P. Snoop shows up in this one to let us know, You’re dead wrong if ya think that pimpin’ gonna die…(just
in case some of you erroneously prophesied the demise of pimpin’.)
Somebody help me on this one. I think I get why pimps might want to be
rappers, but why do rappers want to be pimps? I mean really, what’s the
draw? It can’t be sex, ’cause I’m thinking rappers aren’t deprived
there. From what I can tell, it’s the pimp cars and the pimp outfits
(you should’ve seen Snoop’s get-up tonight). But it still doesn’t make
sense — Snoop and Fi-ty can afford all the pimp outfits and rides they
want without having to actually be a pimp. Pimps pretty much slap poor women and girls around and sell their bodies. Clearly, I’m not down.

+ Justin Timberlake really is just a white weenie with cash. Really.

+
Whoever the last six people are out there running around swearing that
Jessica Simpson is a good Christian girl because her Dad used to be on
staff at The Heights and she once sang at YEC, you can stop now. Look,
she showed us all about 50 percent
of her total square boobage tonight, and her Justin-Timberlake-rip-off
husband was standing right there next to her. What a boob (her husband,
I mean).

+ John Norris is still around. I think he’s the only
old-school MTV guy (and the only one over 16) still on the air there.
Sadly, his outfit tonight looked like something Justin Timberlake will
have in his closet in twenty years.

+ I still don’t get Eminem or Puffy-P-Diddy-Daddy.

+ If you can’t grow facial hair, don’t try. JUST-IN!

+ Chris Rock nailed it. After the 50/Snoop PIMP parade, he smiles and says, "Today is the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech — isn’t it nice to see that his dream finally came true?"

I
just heard Cash didn’t make it. He’s not in great health these days,
and he had to check into a Nashville hospital with something that
apparently isn’t life threatening. I wish he felt better, but I think
I’m glad he wasn’t there. I won’t have any reason to drag myself
through more of that scene to try and see him. And let’s be honest,
he’s too good for those clowns. Fo’ shizzle.