The MTV Video Music Awards.

The MTV Video Music Awards. Wow. I spent a few minutes with these cats tonight, partly out of curiosity and partly because the word on the street was Johnny Cash was going to show up. His video for Hurt was nominated for something like seven awards, even though it’s only been played on MTV six times (really, who can blame them — it’s hard to fit in silly little things like groundbreaking music videos when you’ve got thirty hours of quality programming like TRL, Cribs, The Real World MCMXIII, Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, and about seventy-two Trojan commercials to squeeze in each day). Anyway, I didn’t make it long enough to see whether or not the Man in Black came around. I’ll wait to hear somewhere else and try to catch him on one of the 733 replays of the show if he’s there.

I did manage to accumulate these high- and low-lights in the few minutes I did watch

+ Rappers want to be pimps. Pimps want to be rappers. 50 Cent’s big hit right now, P.I.M.P. is a good example of this phenomenon: I drive a Cadillac, wear a perm ’cause I’m a G, and I’m a mother——‘ P-I-M-P. Snoop shows up in this one to let us know, You’re dead wrong if ya think that pimpin’ gonna die…(just
in case some of you erroneously prophesied the demise of pimpin’.)
Somebody help me on this one. I think I get why pimps might want to be
rappers, but why do rappers want to be pimps? I mean really, what’s the
draw? It can’t be sex, ’cause I’m thinking rappers aren’t deprived
there. From what I can tell, it’s the pimp cars and the pimp outfits
(you should’ve seen Snoop’s get-up tonight). But it still doesn’t make
sense — Snoop and Fi-ty can afford all the pimp outfits and rides they
want without having to actually be a pimp. Pimps pretty much slap poor women and girls around and sell their bodies. Clearly, I’m not down.

+ Justin Timberlake really is just a white weenie with cash. Really.

+
Whoever the last six people are out there running around swearing that
Jessica Simpson is a good Christian girl because her Dad used to be on
staff at The Heights and she once sang at YEC, you can stop now. Look,
she showed us all about 50 percent
of her total square boobage tonight, and her Justin-Timberlake-rip-off
husband was standing right there next to her. What a boob (her husband,
I mean).

+ John Norris is still around. I think he’s the only
old-school MTV guy (and the only one over 16) still on the air there.
Sadly, his outfit tonight looked like something Justin Timberlake will
have in his closet in twenty years.

+ I still don’t get Eminem or Puffy-P-Diddy-Daddy.

+ If you can’t grow facial hair, don’t try. JUST-IN!

+ Chris Rock nailed it. After the 50/Snoop PIMP parade, he smiles and says, "Today is the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech — isn’t it nice to see that his dream finally came true?"

I
just heard Cash didn’t make it. He’s not in great health these days,
and he had to check into a Nashville hospital with something that
apparently isn’t life threatening. I wish he felt better, but I think
I’m glad he wasn’t there. I won’t have any reason to drag myself
through more of that scene to try and see him. And let’s be honest,
he’s too good for those clowns. Fo’ shizzle. 

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Today is the kind of

Today is the kind of day I look forward to for months. It was clear and breezy, and by 10:00 tonight it was down into the mid-50s. You can almost smell fall around the corner. Throw in the first two college football games of the season, and it’s the beginning of my favorite season of the year. I love the fall. I love football. Football is clearly the best sport ever (which should be a more palatable superlative for my cousin the hater).

Another late night trip to

Another late night trip to the local Wal-Marks yielding more fresh observations and grousing (about things which may or may not be the fault of Wal-Mart)…

There were more shopping carts than cars in the parking lot. A lot more. Like three or four times more. I had trouble finding a place to park because of all the carts. I actually got out of my car and moved one so I could get in a space. It’s understandable though. Those eight (really) employees sitting out on the benches in front of the store had better things to smoke…er, do. [This one is Wal-Mart’s fault.]

Go to the store and try to buy regular Ritz crackers. I counted nine different varieties of Ritz product on the shelf with not a single box of regular, old Ritz crackers in sight. Remember the good old days when you could just go to the store and buy yourself some Ritz crackers? I don’t eat Ritz crackers, but come on. [This one is not Wal-Marts fault. They sell everything made everywhere, so blame this one on the cracker makers.]

What the dealio with everyone being all tattooed up? Tats on the arms, tats on the legs, tats on the necks and backs. I think I was the only one in Wal-Marks without a drawing of a scorpion or thorn bush or barbed wire or naked lady or butterfly on my body. And then there’s my personal favorite – Chinese words. Come on redneck/frat boy/gangsta – you aren’t fooling anybody. You can barely string together a sentence in English. Nobody’s buying that you speak Chinese. [This one may or may not be Wal-Mart’s fault.]

U2 is clearly the best band ever. [I was listening to Rattle and Hum in the car on the way there and back. This one is not attributable to Wal-Mart in any way.]

There was more, but my brain just shut down. More later.

I just need to clarify

I just need to clarify something… The expression “I could care less” means you do care. Think about it. If you could care less, then you currently care more than you could potentially care. The expression you’re probably looking for is “I couldn’t care less.” At that point, you allegedly have the least amount of caring in your tank you can possibly have while still having some amount of caring. Which brings me to this point — the phrase “I don’t care” seems to be best suited for most of those misusing the English language in this way. It seems more resolute and firm since it communicates a complete void of caring, whereas even “I couldn’t care less” potentially implies that miniscule level of caring just above zero (there’s a name for that sort of thing in calculus language, but I dropped that class at semester and took wood/leather/plastic work instead.)

For those who are asking,

For those who are asking, we still have power. But it looks like my first little experiment in shorting out power plants and shutting down major U.S. cities was a rousing success. Minor burns on two fingers, but otherwise it went off without a hitch…which proves my theory: all you need to be a success in life is a bobby pin and a bad attitude.

I’ve been drinking a lot

I’ve been drinking a lot of grape juice lately. Every once in a while when I’m draining the last few drops from the glass, I have a growing-up-Baptist Lord’s Supper flashback. I wonder which came first for my spiritual forefathers — cheapness or the belief that the Devil lives in a bottle. Whichever it was must explain why we grew up drinking 1/4-ounce cups of Welch’s while my Catholic and Episcopalian friends were taking that “wine” thing in the Bible at face value. Either way, I’m thinking about buying a box of those little plastic cups to drink my grape juice from.

Okay, this may be better

Okay, this may be better than my Webster dream. Gary Coleman is running for governor in California. Now, come on. Could you have ever imagined that you’d witness a gubernatorial race that featured Ah-nold squaring off against Arnold whatchu-talkin-bout-Willis Drummond (squaring off against Gallagher) anywhere but on Saturday Night Live? It’s really happening.

…which just proves my theory: people in New York and California are nuts.

Most days I miss home.

Most days I miss home. This is one of those days that I don’t…

After sweltering through a record high temperature on Wednesday, Dallas-area residents braced for a double dose of misery today. “We are once again the bulls-eye for the heat, with temperatures 105 to 107 degrees across North Texas,” said WFAA-TV (Channel 8) meteorologist Steve McCauley, noting that the region is also the target of a level red air pollution alert.