There aren’t many guarantees in life, but I’ve got one for you — a fool proof way you can be featured on network television. All you need: a video camera, a blindfold, a piñata, and a kid’s birthday party. All you have to do: hand someone else the camera, blindfold a kid, give the kid a stick, bat, or something else that will really hurt when the kid whacks you in the groin or head with it, find the spot where you’re most likely to get whacked in the groin or head while the kid swings at the papier-mâché donkey full of candy, stand there, spin the kid around about five times, then tell the kid to swing away. As painfully simple as it sounds, this routine will ensure you a spot on an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. For extra points (and maybe ten grand), get whacked by two different kids or, even better, by the same kid twice – once in the junk and once in the head. Seriously, I have yet to see an episode of this show without at least one clip of someone who hasn’t learned the most basic natural law of the birthday party: piñata = pain.