There aren’t many guarantees in life, but I’ve got one for you — a fool proof way you can be featured on network television. All you need: a video camera, a blindfold, a piñata, and a kid’s birthday party. All you have to do: hand someone else the camera, blindfold a kid, give the kid a stick, bat, or something else that will really hurt when the kid whacks you in the groin or head with it, find the spot where you’re most likely to get whacked in the groin or head while the kid swings at the papier-mâché donkey full of candy, stand there, spin the kid around about five times, then tell the kid to swing away. As painfully simple as it sounds, this routine will ensure you a spot on an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. For extra points (and maybe ten grand), get whacked by two different kids or, even better, by the same kid twice – once in the junk and once in the head. Seriously, I have yet to see an episode of this show without at least one clip of someone who hasn’t learned the most basic natural law of the birthday party: piñata = pain.
Daily Archives: April 18, 2003
Sooner or later I’m going
Sooner or later I’m going to leave this stuff alone, but this one amused me. Again, I’m not taking aim at folks for their pro/anti war position, but the hypocrisy of self-enlightened famous people always cracks me up. Leave it to Kid Rock to get in my corner on this rich-people-don’t-get-it theory:
You got money; you sit around talking about peace. People who don’t have money need some help.
The rest of the article makes fun of some particular famous people, including Sheryl Crow:
Her Grammy appearance was no exception, she performed wearing a guitar strap with the words, “No War” conspicuously inscribed in shiny, tacky sequins successfully creating the made-you-look effect she was, no doubt, going for.
In addition to her guitar strap sloganeering, Sheryl’s Grammy ensemble featured an oversized, diamond-encrusted peace symbol dangling from her neck.
And even more embarrassing than the 40-something singer’s tight white mini-skirt and inch thick makeup were her pre-show red carpet comments about the jewelry. The blissfully clueless Crow inadvertently ate some of her words when she told Joan Rivers, “Nothing says peace like diamonds.”
Oops. Sheryl and her people are, evidently, unaware of the politically incorrect nature of supporting the diamond trade. So much for her ‘enlightened’ global sensibilities. … Blood diamonds, as any good liberal can tell you, are the product of third world violence and oppression, often resulting in the exploitation of women and children. In fact, purchasing diamonds may even rank higher than driving an SUV on the liberal’s list of unacceptable behavior-although not quite as bad as watching the Fox News Channel.
There are plenty of ridiculous folks on the other end of the spectrum too. I’m glad to make fun of them as I run across their stupidity.