Memos to the Stupid

To David Duke: It’s legal to be an ignorant racist, but not to cheat on your taxes and steal money from other ignorant racists. Eighteen months in Big Spring (just over an hour from my old stomping grounds) and I’m sure you’ll be completely rehabilitated. Something tells me the Latinos and Blacks in the lock-up will be glad to see you.

To Rodney King: This drunk driving thing doesn’t seem to be working for you.

To Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon: I understand opposition to the war, but open a dictionary and look up the words “right” and “freedom.” Your right to dissent is not mutually exclusive from my right to not give a [Roy Williams] what you have to say. I’m so sick of people confusing freedom of speech with entitlement to be heard or to speak without consequence or reproach. The first amendment enables you to talk all you want and enables the rest of us to ignore, scoff, or laugh at you when you do. I learned this as a kid, but apparently making 10 million dollars a picture convinces people that they should get a little more for their citizenship than you and me. There are legitimate concerns about civil liberties in this country right now, but most of them have to do with people whose names we’ve never heard and probably can’t pronounce — not people on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Take a civics lesson from my friend and high school debate coach and government teacher Bob Dodd or just shut up. I’m trying hard to not let this screw up Shawshank and Quarterback Princess for me.

To the latest Chicago idiot to rush the field when the Royals come to town: Catch a clue. A couple of your drunk cohorts already played this game. Next time pick a team with a little less pent up rage. “Several Royals players could be seen kicking and stomping the fan while he was pinned down. When the attacker was put into a police car, his head was wrapped with a white bandage, soaked with blood near the right temple.” In other words, stupidity has a price.

To the Department of Homeland Security: Huh?

More stupid memos as I encounter more stupid people (which could happen any minute)…